jO bekke at HUgwRts: The Commentary
by SalamanderLights
Summary: Warning: Contains scenes of a horrific nature, namely in the sense of bad grammar. If you wish to retain your sanity, don't read. JK owns Harry Potter, but I don't know whether that applies to this 'story'. Rated T. Sarcastic comments apply.
1. Chapter 1

**I found this. I hated it. I must share it. And it's _mildly_ translated!**

AN Dis iiz mi stury. **We're off to a good start, I see. **MI friend edited it 4 me. You're the best, Darry! **Oh, Darry! You have such a way with words.**

BOOK 1: JO BELLE POTTER AND THE SORCERURS STON **...e**

Chapter 1: Dumbledore **:O Merlin, a correctly spelt word.**

Mi nam is Jo bele Susie lilee Puttr. **Hi, my name is Captain Grammar. But seriously, my name **_**was**_** mentioned in that drivel, spelt incorrectly of course. I just died a little on the inside.** I waz drupped uff at mi uncl and ants hose. **Well **_**my**_** uncle is married to a human, but if yours wants an **_**ant **_**then each to their own. **wen I waz 3 da dark lurd volddenut '**Voldde**_**nut'**_**? As is Volde-cashew-nut? Brazil nut maybe? **killd mi parents. I used to hav a bruthr but he livs in engglnd. Now mi ant **(hi aunty ant!) **in uncl in sutth carulia razed me. **They annihilated you? Surely you should do that to the ant? **Dey r abusive. Dey rap **– me up in bubble wrap hopefully –** and hurt me.

I hav durty blond hair, that hangs down to mi feet. **That, thanks to magic, I don't fall over! **i hav dimond blu ies dat sparkl. **At least they don't twinkle, that would ruin Dumbledore for me**_**.**_ Sometimes my eis are green or yellow. **I have spare eyes in draws so that I can change them from blue to yellow to green at will. **OI am super hot!111111111 **OMG, me too! Pfft. One. One. One.**

1 dae I waz wlkin doewn da street nd I cm hom der was a ledder on da doorstep. **There was a ladder? Leader? Person that lays lead?** I gspd!11111111111111 it sad hugwurts skill od wickraaf nd wizrdy. **If only I could study 'wickraaf'. I would make amazing wicker rafts. And sail away from **_**this**_**.** I tried to get it butt **(chuckle – butt) **sdunely… … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … .. .. .. **Dot. Dot. Dot. S-dune-ly, the family butler, came after me with…**

A knif came me!111111111111111 **How dare he? **Im fast thouh, so I caut it nd thru it bak at mi dum uncl. **A.K.A. I tackled a strong fat man to the floor – without getting my waterfall of hair trapped in anything – and wrestled the knife from his sweaty grasp!**

it hit him in da crocht **(well, I suppose that's better than the crotch) **and he did. **He did what? Cry? Die? Make a sandwich? Sing a song? Do a dance? Learnt to spell? Read a book? Acquired a brain? Found a spellcheck?** den antie Beatrice cam up. **Oh, the ant has a name! Hello, ant Beatrice, I am human Captain Grammar.** "U klld mi usbnd u freek!111111111111111" **I hate it when people kill my usbnd. One. One. One.**

Hes nut ded.' **Mouldy-cashew-nut is back! He's my favourite.** I told hur. Den I wavd mi hnd n he cam bak to lif! **Despite that being impossible and me not even going to Hogwarts yet! I was just too magical. **"Jpo bel!" he screemd **Obviously he had no sense of the English language at this point. We'll give him a minute to regain his bearings and form coherent words.**

Mi ant thru me acruss the rume.** I know ants are strong, but come on. **\ I hit da wull nd nearly pasd out! **The light, I saw the light…**

"wuts dat letr u hav,' jo bel?" ant betric askd **I have a letter? But not a letr. Thanks ant-y.**

"NOOO" Uncl sd. **YES. A word.**

"I hut wed stuppd it!" ant betrik sad. **'hut wed stuppd'? A stupid hut on Wednesday? That's all I'm getting.**

"den unl grvaed be nd thruuu me acrss da rume. **Damn, I hate being thrown across a 'rume' twice in one day. **DEN DA DUR FLU OPEN!111111111.. ….. .. .. . . .. . **Your door has flu? Cough syrup, to the rescue! Plus, more dots. Dot. Dot. One.**

An old man was der. He had a long blak beerd. **Dumbledore the Black? **He spok in an awsum suthurn bretesh axnt. **A 'bretesh axnt'? I have one of them too!** "I am Pruffsr ALbis Peeter Quintin alexndr Dumbldur!111111111" he crid. **What about Brian?**

A flash uv litenin was seen oteside da durr. It lukeed lik mi scar. I hav a scar ov a litenn bult on mi 4hd. **I saw a flash of lightening. It looked like my scar. Because my scar looks like lightening. The lightening looked like my scar. My scar looked like the lightening. The lightenin-**

Dumbldur sd. "Cum w/ me jo bel I hav ur bruthur."!1 **He's locked in a cage at the moment, but please, don't let that deter you.**

2 B CNTUUD!

**I simply can't wait. Or contain my excitement. Or my sarcasm.**

**Dementors have my soul...  
**


	2. Chapter 2

A?n This da second chappy, **I never would have guessed that the second chapter comes after the first. Thanks for telling me. Last time I was jumping all over the place! **I hop u lik it!11 **Never. One. One.** Thanks to Darrel for da ediding! **If this is him **_**editing**_** for you, what language did you write in to start with?** Ur da best. **You're not.**

Chapter 2: Harre Putter **Mr Putter, Mr Putter! Will you be my golf club?**

Dumdumfore **Worst misspelling of Dumbledore **_**ever. **_tuk mi 2 Englend. **I'm moving country.** It waz relly cull. I saw a olot ov peple there. Wen one of those stinky Nurthurnurs cam up, I killed thm. **Oh, that stings my lightening scar.** **Words can't even… **NOrthernurs ar so stupid. **Are you from the north then? **Den Dumumdor tok me to ribet Driv. **Coupled with Frog Street. **We knoked up the door. **OMG, you impregnated the door?** A fat gay boy ansered the dur. **Did you just look in a mirror?**

/hoo r u" he aksed. **I am Professor Dumdumfore!**

"don talk to me GAYY." **Only the scarf of sexual preference can decide that…**

"Dadddyy, he said, running away and crying.

Then a 11 yeer old boy cam up. "Who r u.' he asked

:Im prufesxsr dumfumdoor, **Life ambition: become a 'prufesxer' and teach spelling **and dis iz y=r sister." **Harry kills himself then and there. The end.**

"I;m jo bell,' I told him; **Add semi-colon for emphasis.**

"im… … … … … … … … … … … … … …. … … … … … … … … … … **Dot. Dot. **Harre POTTER!

bcuntined

**B-cunt-ined?**

**I beg your pardon!**


	3. Chapter 3

aN: So, tanks to Daryl 4 fixin da gramer. **He's not fixing it! **Ur da best! Flamrs: GO 2 HELL! **You go to hell!**

Chapter $ **This is chapter dollar. **: DIgon Aley purt 1

Profesur dumbledum tuk us to a stor calld Grignots. **It's a bank, not a store.** Yo can get free monee ther. **No you cannot. **Wee go in. **Eww. **A gremlin cums up to us. **It would be a goblin, but why are they coming?** "oH U mus b jO bEkk potter. Weve been watein 4 u. o nd hllo harre." **Harry***

Dumbldum commntd on his status, **Status? He's on Facebook now? I must befriend him! **"luk her gremlin, jus tak us to der vault, and NOT de enegy drink, **I'm so lost right now…** ok, do, you, get, that mistr 'helo jO beKL?"

The gremln srummk in feer. "Yes, jus dnt hrt me." **Why would I?**

/I wnt hrt u, but jO beKKE might! **Because she sucks.**

The gremlin sed, "letz\s go 2 ur valt." **And lock you in it.**

We got in da sports car **(it's a cart!) **and druve into da valt. "Bi da wae mi nam iz golum," da gremlin sed. **Hello, golum. Have you met Dumbledore the Black?**

GoLUm tuk us doewn into da valt. "Is this da valt," I aksd.

"Yeperoo,' golumn saeid. **Sang***

'Iz this da valt,l" haree askd/ **We just said that it was.**

"Yes."

Dmbldurm tuk jo bELe and haree into the lair. **But we just established **_**twice**_** that this was a **_**vault**_**.** DER WAS A DRAGON DER!111111 **OMG, they keep dragons **_**in**_** the vaults? One. One. One.**

2 B CUNTOUED

**Please stop.**


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Stop FLamIm u r stupid nd gae! GO 2 HEKLK! **I flame, therefore I'm obviously homosexual.**

Chpaarte 5: Da mystikel dregon

DER WAZ A DRAGEN DER!11111111111 **One. One. Two! A two! Please use a two?**

Gollum sed, ' u hav 2 dfeet da dregon w? ur pwors 2 get 2 da vult. **Right, so the money is free and you need to fight a dragon to get it? Sounds more like a game show to me. Not a bank.**

"k," hare end ei sed. **Is this Harry talking?**

We wnen in but haree got scrd. I hd to go in by myslf. **I went inside. **Jo bElle wen in. **Gasp, she didn't?**

Da Dragen was ornge aand spok in a northurn axent. **Dragons cannot speak. End of.** "Im da dregon hoo gurds Grinworts!"

"GO TO HELL~!#$%^'./,./ **'Cus I'm like a hard ass dick head who hates everything that isn't part of my ideal, blind sighted world.**

I stebbd da drehoon thur the hert. **With this sword that I somehow managed to find, lift and plunge through the heart of a magical creature that made me look miniscule in comparison to itself. **It died. **Just to get away from you…**

"GO JO BEKLE! GO JI BKEL! 123 GOGOGO!" Dumdubledumre SCREEMED NGRILY **Why is Dumdumfore screaming? Is he angry? A 'student' of his just killed a dragon after all.**

"WHOS DA DREGON SLEYOR? **Not you. **N U R! **No you're not. **WHOS DA PRETTYST MOST AMAZNG SXYEST BUTIFUL AMZING SXY WONDRFUL GILR? **With hair that yet again didn't get stuck anywhere during her fight? **JPO BELLE PUTTER" Du,mblurode Gooluu, Haree, and snale sad. **Who the hell is snale and when did he come into it? Is it a snail?**

Gremlin sed, "nowe u mae pass into da chamber uv trrezures. **Just climb over that dragon corpse (we'll have another one for your next visit) open the door, fight the Redcaps and sing a song to Fluffy, **_**then**_** you can access all this free money.**

2 b CONTNUED!

**Oh Circe, it's not over yet?**


	5. Chapter 5

A/N Ty Darel for fixin da gramer erurs. Ur da vvest. **He's not fixing them! He's not I tell you! Fire him from his position as grammar fixer. Fire him I say! I'm in a rage!**

Chaptr 6: Trezur **This sounds like some sort of food… Would you like a Trezur, darling? Oh yes, thank you Harold.  
**

Dumblrus sd drastically, **OMG, dumdumfore, why do you have to speak so radically? **"he iz ur twreszrue" _**He**_ **is ****your treasure? I feel sorry for this bloke.**

"OMFGTISA" I seD sadly. **Now why are you sad? I don't get it. You've just got lots of treasure. Or are you feeling guilty for murdering that animal?**

"Dnt b so happe jo bEKl;e,' hary sed. **But I thought we just established she was sad for reasons still unknown?**

"Ut dis iz mor monee den I evr ceen b4" jo Belke sed. **And you will never see it again as next time you return there will be more dragons to kill, but, dun dun dun, no magical swords appearing out of thin air for you to use as a weapon.**

We entrd da trezur rum cotiouslee. **Coitus-lee? Ha. Ha.** We wlkd inid n hrd somtin. Den we luked in. **I walked into the room, and then I looked in it from outside. I was in two places at once because I'm that magical. **SNALE AND KWERREL WERE DOING IT TOGEDER! **I get the feeling this is meant to be Snape the Snail and Professor Quirrell the Squirrel. You don't have to write 'doing it'. The word sex won't kill you. So, a snail and a squirrel are having sex inside a bank, surrounded by treasure and guarded by a dragon that you have to kill to get past. Kinky.**

**It doesn't say to be continued? YES! But alas, I fear there's more anyway…**


	6. Chapter 6

A?n Jus cuz u dnt lik a stry dsnt meen u need 2 b meen. GO 2 ur prbablee a gae blak nurthurnur. **This makes me ashamed to be human. Unless this 'writer' is not a part of our species. It's debatable.**

Chptwer 7: I git rtch/ **Chapter 7: I get a brain ache from attempting to decipher this previously unknown language. I can understand hieroglyphics! But this is nearly too much for me.**

Dmbldumr flu **(first the door, now Dumbledore the Black, AKA dumdumfore, have flu. It's going round, I see) **In on hiz brume and beet them up. **Ah, so it was a broom in your pocket. You weren't just pleased to see me. **"Yall r hugwerts teachers, yer supposed to be bettr den dis!: **So it **_**is**_** the snail and the squirrel!**

"UR STYUPID ND GAE!: I sae melodramcitaaly **They can't be that stupid if they broke into Gringotts and got past the dragon without killing it. And all for a quickie.**

" **–insert random punctuation to add supposed drama to supposed story-**

Snal sad, "y do u hav to b meen to gaes wer humen 2!" **The 'author' should take note of this.**

'NO UR NT! UR LUSERS WITH NO LIFE. GO 2 GELL!1111111111111111" '**Gell' sounds a hell of a lot better than being in the presence of **_**her**_**. One. One. One. Wouldn't you agree, Mouldy-cashew-nut that hasn't been mentioned for a while?**

Snal and kwirril strtrs krying. **That's absuuuurd. They're grown men! And Snape would probably kill you with a look for insulting him and his other half.** Dey ren ote of da rume crieng.** No, they were going to run out singing?**

DumBLDUM "Dose gAE PEopLE AR So STupiId." **Well, you hired them. And you're gay yourself you cracked up old coot!**

"I knoe arry sed,

Den Harwey nd ei got ur trezure.

SDDNLY GolluM sut us in da trezur rume. **Is this meant to be shut*? I'm not sure. Let's go with that. They're shut in the treasure room.**

Dumbllydum creed ote, "O KNOEW WAT SALL I DOO? " **Use your wand.**

He wEN nd KnicKED on dA dURE. **She steals a door?** "lET us Ote u STUPID BlAK gremlin." **Goblin***

"NVR I LUV MISLF, noew I shell snd mi menyons to rap u." **Shit just got real. Goblin rappers!**

Den I usEd my majicel abilettees to zap us ote. **You're 11? Are you not? You just got your Hogwarts letter. You cannot apperate. Or do any other kind of magic. **I klld GuLLum. **Even though he was on the other side of the door.**

DEN?| ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? GOLUM CAM BAK 2 LIF!1111111111111 **He had a horcrux.**

2 b CONTNIUED1!#$%^&*()

**Please, stop whilst you're behind!**


	7. Chapter 7

A.n: UR WRONG!11111111 THE northurnurs r a bunch of dum librels. **You're dumb. **THE SOUTH R THE 1s WHO WRK!11 **You work on being annoying, right? **THE NRTHurNURS WULD HAv us STUK up OnN HELTP CAAR We WRK DA FLDS U LUSRS sit in facterees aand complaen aLL dae log., ur StuPID FAT, And UGLEEE! DUMDUMBELRE IS NOT GAE! **He is, I assure you.** AND IF HE WAS HED GO 2 HELL!1!111111111111111 **Say hi for me when you join him. **IIf u FlaaM ur ObvOUDSLY hjuST A stupid LIbrel Demcrat who DON'T knoe hOW to WoRK :P NORTHURNURS R MUCH STuPIDER, **Wow, such twisted views. Its people like you that cause wars.**

Chaptr 8: DE eSCPA fruM Gngiotes **Es-capeee.**

AFTR goluM cam bak to lif we celbratd. **But you just wanted him dead? **It TRned OtTE he waz juS bein ConTROled by sum supid librel. **Damn imperious curse!** Cuz dats wat librels do, dey r control freeks. **They use illegal magic.**

Den da greMIlds tuld us we had to leeve noew. **Good, the dragon was starting to smell. **We lf to go to Medem Milpkinths. **Hi, Madam Milpkinths, can I have some robes please? **Dere was sum freek der. Hhe had blond heir, **A blond heir? Malfoy!** but he wsnt suthrn. **He was a pureblood. **He waz ubvusly nutherm. **Oh well, more Malfoy for me. **Haree sat on 1sid an I sat on deotherr.

:Who r u musnboled:" **I'm so insulted.**

"I,m jO bEklle puttr, n dis iz mi bruthr," I sed stinlkly. **You stink. Who looks stupid now? HA. You do!**

:JJO BELLE PORTER!/?" **No. Jo Belle Susie Lily Potter.**

"Yep, dats me,' I sed..

"I dint tink a suthrnur culd be so SXY.: **What with your filthy blonde hair that's trailing along behind you like a rope.**

"UR STUPID,' I jumPED on hem nd kikd his boodee/ **(he just likes the pain) **"HAHA' luser,' is ede. **You got attacked by a girl!**

"Y O Y" DarKo crede. **Who the **_**hell**_** is this? Draco, maybe? Can you spell Draco? D-r-a-c-o. It's five letters. FIVE. If you open a Harry Potter book you would see this. And many other words that you've managed to fail at spelling. Like 'to' for example. That two letter word my dog could spell.  
**

"BcuZ ure a DUM nUTHernur aand dats wat haoons" **I'll haoon you if you're not careful!**

Den HAMLET CAM up. **Hamlet? You dare drag Shakespeare into this!** " he dumbduymlr wntd to tll u somthin, he sed obtusely. …. ….. …. … … … … … .. …. **OMG, dumdumfore, you're so obtuse. What a triangle.**

2 B CONTNINUED

**It's never going to stop.**

**-le cry-**

Bi Da WaE NORTHERURS SUK!111111111111111111

**Yes, we know your opinion by now. Shut up.**


	8. Chapter 8

A.N: Danks 4 darryl 4 chkin **(chickening) **dis/ Ur da bst. **He's not doing it! Stop making me mad. I'll bite you.**

Cahprt 9: Dumblumdores message **Dumdumfore wants to give me a message? Swoon. You spelt message right? Oh. My. Merlin. Are you feeling well?**

Harmlt tuk us 2 Dumblumdur. "Helo dumdhumrr,' hamlt sed. _**Why**_** is Hamlet here? He sounds like he's having some sort of attack. Dumhmmmmf.  
**

"Helo Prufessor Haarmlet" Dumbumbledore said. **Hamlet is a teacher? William would be so proud!**

"jO beLLE and HaARe dis is Professur Hamlet. He is daa keeper of da kees a HUgwerts." **HAGRID! Hamlet is Hagrid. Aha, I've sussed it now. Well, that's a load off of my mind.**

"Helo Prufessor Haglet," HaRRE amd ei sad.

"Yes, I em Prufesor Hagmet.: **Wait, Hamlet – Haglet – Hagmet – Hagrid. Take your pick.**

Dumblum lafed ridikilosely. **You're ridiculous. I've been laughing at you for hours. **"alrite chldrn I need to tll u somthin." **You're gay? You're my granddad? We get sweets? It's going to rain? You'll take us to get ice cream? Mouldy-cashew-nut has returned? You've ran out of bubble wrap? You have a spell check? You have a plot line? A brain, maybe?**

"Wat iz it?" jo BelLe asked, **The suspense is killing me!**

"Itz tim to go… … … … … .. … … PIK OTEUR WANDS!" **YAY.**

We wnt 2 pck ote our wands. We wlkd doewn da street. BUT… …. … … … …. …. …. … … . … … HAMLET WAS STILL STALKIN US!1! **Damn you, Hagrid. Leave the kids alone! Dot. Dot. One.**

"R u a pedow?" I asked. **The obvious explanation?**

"No! I just waaantd to knoe somthin!"

Dumbldor sied. "lUK her hamlet, Your just a silly scotish persin." **Do you have a death wish? I can't wait till you get to Hogwarts – that's in Scotland by the way – they're going to rip the shit out of you!**

Hamlit strtd to cri. "Iem surry prufsor." **Why do all the men cry? Five Galleons say they all turn out to be pregnant from all that gay sex they take part in.**

"dats ok, u scotish people r jus lik oour pets." **Scottish people are kept as pets. In my vast vocabulary of correctly spelt words I can't think of a thing to explain my feelings of this without sinking to your level.**

"Can I git a raze?" **A razor? Because you make me want to hurt myself.**

Dumbleumr lafed evly. **Now dumdumfore is evil? Well, he is Dumbledore the Black I suppose. **"Y WULD I GIV u a RAZE? Go away u SIMPLE MINDED KREEP!" **Stop talking about yourself.**

Harmlet sarted crien agin. Den he run off. **Yep, he's so pregnant.**

"ALrite childs, lets go pik ote ur wnds/ **Yes, childs. It's wand time. Mwahaha.**

2BCNTUED

**I'm not sure I want to subject myself to anymore abuse…**


	9. Chapter 9

A;n' Alrite idiots. **Yes sir? We salute you, Caption Idiot. **STOP GLAMIN MI STIRY!1111111111 **It's not glamin' or glamorous. Shut up. **Jus bcause I hate Nurthernurs and gaes and blak people doesn't meen u need 2 giv me aa herd time!1111 **You also don't need to press your views upon us or be so proud of them! **Go 2 HE:: YANKEES!1111111111** One. One. One.** I write about SUTHERN ENGLAND! **England. No. Help me. I must move country. NOW.** Northurn englan and Scotlad are STUPID!1111 **What about middle England? **Also, thanks to darrel for chekin da spelling. **He still sucks. **UR DA BEST! I can't wate for 2morrow. (Darrel nd I aare goin to the mall with sum frends) **You have no friends.**

Chaprer 10: JO BELLES WAND **–snigger-**

we WeN 2 da wand shop. Der were all surts of wands der. **I wonder why. Wait, is it a wand shop? I thought so.** I looked on da pervert roe. **A pervert row of wands? What do they do, leap out at you as you go past and stick themselves up your nose?** Der was a buch of stap on wands. **I think Harry Potter has been ruined for me. **Der was also *****************!111111111111111111 **Asterisk's? Oh wow!**

Den I went 2 daa SXY suTHern island, **Wait, wait, wait. There's an entire island in Olivander's? That cheeky man kept that hidden well. **were der was a hole buch of wends. **Wands* **DEN I SAWED IT!1111111111111111111 **Don't saw anything, you mug!** IT was da most butiful wand in da entir world. **Such a shame that the wand chooses the wizard and not the other way around. None of them will choose you. **IT WAS A PTCH4k WAND! So u can cast spells and stab peeples. **Oh geez. Part wand part knife. Just what the maniac ordered.**

Den a man cam upp bhin us. " MWAHAHHHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAh!"

**-insert evil laughter-**

I prUf **Yes, I pruf often?**

Esur OLEE, I wull b ur wands prufesur. **A wand professor? What the **_**hell**_** you on?**

"Cull I said." **I'm going to cull **_**you**_** soon.**

"I lik ur wand," he sed happly.

"ITS SXY," I sed. **Oh wand-y. You're the best piece of wood I've ever seen. I want to love you and polish you and pick my nose with you. We're going to have such wooden children that will catch fire when they run.**

HAree agreed with me. Prufessor Olee **(another new character! Hi, I'm Captain Grammar, it's nice to meet you) **tuk us in da bak of da store."Noew we hav some fun!" Olee sed. **Fun? Or **_**Fun**_**? When are you going to call this man a paedophile like you have everyone else? Or is he just going to be gay? Then start crying?  
**

2 B CONTINUED!

**STOP. PLEASE STOP.**


	10. Chapter 10

A/N UR SO STUPID! U don't hav a clu!111 **No, dear. **_**You **_**don't have a clue. **Stop messing with me!1111111 **I do believe it's you who is messing with us. IQ decreasing.. Brain melting.. **NoRTherners ARE stupid!1111111111111111 SUTHERNERS are the smartr peeples in AMERCA. **And you're the perfect stereotype of that are you?** NORturnurs anywaer r all stupid.. Da suttern part of any CUNTRY IS THE BEST PURT!1111111 STOP Flaimyn me!11111111111111111111111111111 Ur just jelous bcuz im sutheern. **Yeah, that's it. **UR ALL a bunch ov STUPOD LibrEL Nrutherners!111111111 U LUSE!11111 I rede all ur storees and dey STINK!11111111111111111111111111111 **Are you sure you understood them? They were written in English. **IF U DON'T LIK DIS… … … … … DEN DON'T REED IT! Gae people aare reel humens… JUST STUPIDSER!11111111111111 im NOT updatin til I ged 5 gud reviows! **You'll be wait a long, long time.**

**What happened to Darrel? Did he not edit this chapter? Shame. Maybe now I might understand at least one word. Although, looking at, I think not. Your spelling is worse than his. And that's saying something!**

Hpter 11: jO bekke nd HArre kill a bnch of RIDIKULOUSLY UGLEE STUPIS BlaK gAE NuthernnORs!1111111111111 **There's no need for that.**

Olee tuk us into da bak of his wand sjkull. **Sjkull? But I thought we were on an island?** **The island that somehow managed to fit in a wand shop? Tell me we're still there!** **I wanted to go swimming.. **He sowed us a bunch of gae Norturn blak peoples. They wer all tied up. "Nowe." olEE sad, "u hav 2… …. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. …. … … … … … … … … … kILL TESE RIKOLUSLY UGLY STUPID BLAK GAE NURTHERNURS!11111111111" **Oh sweetie, you really need to burn in hell.**

"K I sed." **"K I sed." I said.***

I wne ovr 2 da ridikulusly ugly stupID bLAK gaye Nirthurnurs!11111111111111111111 "don hurt us jO bekle,' dey sed. **They already knew my name because I'm world famous for being an unspeakable word.**

I laufed mecanicly. "" **Mechanically?* Let's say it's that. I am a robot.**

I strtd poking them with mi pich4k wnd. **It's part knife, you know?** DEY strtd screamin so I kiked der PRIVARTE PARTS!111111111111111111111111 **You can say the word crotch, you know? You attempted it a few chapters back. Spelt incorrectly of course. One. One. One.**

thEY scremed in pane! **Oh window, the pane! My glass, my poor glass! One. One. **11111 Prufesor OLLEE was chering me on. **Who, in the name of Wizard God, is this Professor OLLEE?**

DEN those RIDIkulously uGLee stupid bllAK gAE nothernurs… … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … DIED!11111111111111111111111111111

**People have died from a crotch kick. This may well go down in medical history. Somebody call St Mungo's and them pesky Wizard Cops.**

2 B CONTINUD

_I WANNT 5 GUFD REVIEWS OR IM NOT POSTIN DA NEXT XCHAPPPPIEE!_

**You're not going to get them. Trust me. Let's hope this means there will be no more of this inconsiderate, racist, Thestral dung that is supposedly a story…**


	11. Chapter 11

_An OK, I knoe I sad dat I wudnt updaat tilll I get 5 gud reviews but I got thus written. _**I realised that everybody hated it but I want them to suffer some more so I wrote it anyway for attention. **_I H8 U! _**The feeling is mutual. **_If ur repotin me den u sjuld go di!1111111111111111111111111_ **I'll be dead by the end of this anyway..**_ Ur probably just a librel idiot. Also tanks to Darryl for da checking!11 I CANT WAIT 4 2NITE. _**I'm going to a witch burning! **_I cant w8 till we c our frends at da mall! UR da best of the best! _**Darrel's back! Hey, Darrel. We missed you. Do you know what a book is yet? It has correctly spelt words in it.. Hint. Hint.  
**

CHAptr 12: We go 2 Kngs Crussin. **Crussin? Croissant? Kings Croissant. All aboard the Pastry Express!**

Aftr I kild the stupid blak people, Hamlet cam up. "Prufessur Dumblundum wants u knowe." **When did Dumdumfore even leave? Oh Hamlet, where hath thou been? Have you stopped crying now? Hormones are in check?  
**

"K: Jo BEKKE said iunfurtunatly.\ **'Okay' said the girl whose last name is written with some of the only capital letters in this piece of 'writing'.**

Hamlimt tuk us 2 prufesur dumblumdur. Dumbindor sd, "Did u get ur wanz?" **No, I got a part knife part wand, bitches.**

"Yeah, an then I killd sum gae blak peeples with it."

"Cull," dumbledore saif.. **Stop telling her to cull people, Dumdumfore!**

"it was fun.' Haree sed. **Because I'm sadistic.**

"I knoe I do that all the tim!" DUumvbledum said.

"THAt iz Awsum!" JO beLLE sed. Haply.

Dumbledure then sed, "Alrite children it's time to go 2 knGS cruSSin. Jo BELE tak us to kings crossin.." **Why does she have to take them? She's 11. She cannot apperate. She has never been to Hogwarts before. Dumbledore can apperate. He has been there before. Or at least one would hope so considering he is the Headmaster.**

I wavd mi pch4k wnd. It glowed and then all ov a suddn.. **Why did it glow? Did you say Lumos?** WE WERE IN KINGS CRUSSIn. **Kings Croissant! Yummy. The total opposite of mouldy-cashew-nut..**

Haree nd I sawed a family. **We sawed them in half like magicians. **Dey sed, "ALL dese stupid gae Northurn muggls!1111 Cum on Donald." **Donald duck?**

"Hey! I! SED! R u goin 2 HUWERTS?" **What's Hogwarts? I'm but a mere muggle.**

"UVZ curse we r, dingles," mrs weasel sad. **Weasel? Weasel! Are you Malfoy? The Weasley's are dingles? I wonder what a dingle is. Wait, Weasley's? Donald is Ronald! Ronald the duck. Nice to meet you.**

"Bi da wae, mi nam is Donald." Da redhed boy sed.

"CULL" herry said. **Cull him. Destroy. We hate gingers too now apparently. Oh, the bigotry.**

"Lets go," donalkd sed.

DEN… … … … … … … … ….. WE rAN THRU DA WALL!1111111111111111111111 **OMG, you didn't? The wall of what? The loo? The support beams? A shop? Platform 11 and a ½?**

2 B CoNTuned

-**falls to knees screaming-**

**Nooooooo!**


	12. Chapter 12

A,n: STOP FLAMIN MI STURYE! **Stop writing it then! It's not a story. It's like you've just put a cat on a keyboard! **U hava no rite 2 flame mi stury. **We, as proper users of FF, have **_**every **_**right. **I H8 U!1111111111111111111 Ur jus a bunch ov librel gaes! THankS 2 Darryl 4 checkin mi story. I LOVE YOU!11111111111111111 **Oh no. I guess it's been what, an hour? And they love each already. Aww. Die. **Darrel nd I r d8in now! **Holy shit! What if they have kids one day? Imagine the horror! **We 3 ech othr! **Well, I 4 the both of you!**

Chaptre 13: Da hofwasrtz expres!11111111111 **The Pigfarts express. It's on **_**mars**_**.**

WE run thRU te wall. Don **(Donatello?) **said, "We shuld go sit dowen," he sed unhappily. **Running through bricks **_**really**_** takes it out of you.**

Jo belle and HAree got onto da hUGwerts eXpres/. I luked around the rume. **But I thought this was written in the Belle/Bekke/Bitch perspective? **There was no1 iin 1. "Letz sit her," Donald sad. **No, I was going to sit on the roof..**

"K,' I sadi.

We set down. Thn daa fat trullee lady cam long. "EAT FUDE ETE FUDE!11111111111 " **Are you going to butcher every single character ever mentioned? Seriously. One. One. Anything from the trolley dears?**

donald sed. "I ain't got no monee 2 by fude."

"dat's alrite. Ill bye it." I sed.

"OMG Ur jO beKKE puttr!11111 " da trolley lade said. **You're that famous bitch with hair down to her feet that hates everyone. I'm going to tie your hair in knot, beat you with it, and throw you in a lake. How nice to meet you!  
**

"i knoe,' I lufed vicouslee.

"her, u can hav freeee fude, cuz ur so pretty and u dfeeted da dark lard." **No she didn't. Mouldy-cashew-nut is still out there.**

:cull I sed.

hAREE nd I got fude. We started tto ete and then someone barged in the room. IT WAZ… … … … … … … … … … … … . …. …. … ….. … .. .. . .. .. . ... . HERMONEE! **Has anyone seen a toad? Neville's lost one.. How do you know it's Hermione anyway? You've just started!**

**There's no 'to be continued'.**

**Yay.**

**Thanks Hermione!**


	13. Chapter 13

_AN: LUK HER DUMBELLS!1111111111111111111111 U SUK!1111111111111 STUP FLAMIN! _**Well, that told her. **_UR JUS JELUS OF DARRYL AAND ME DATIN! _**Ha. Ha. Hahahaha. Ha. Haha. Ha. **_I H8 U!11111111111111 GO2 WHO IZ TERA?/ I DON'T KNOE A TARA? _**I repeat, hahahaha. You and Tara should meet. So long as you're nowhere near me. I don't want to get caught in the resulting catfight as you decide who is the worst author **_**ever**_**.**

_CHAPER 14 HAREMONY_** Should this be Hermione? Well, it appears you have yet another new name. Enjoy.**

HARMONY rans in. "Hiya guyes," se sed.

"Who ar u?" I asked keenly.

"ei em HARMONY!" HARMONY said. **I'm HARMONY. My name is written in just capitals. This is where they've all been hiding!**

"cull,' sed. Im… … … … … … …

"JO BELLE PUTTER!" HARMONY sed. **OMG, you know her too?**

"yea!" jO bekkE sED; **I just changed my name again!**

HARMONY CHEERED. She had a jo bekke t shirt on. **This is so egotistical. **She wore jo BElKe earings, and JO bekle stamped pantz. **Fuck my life. **She Also had a ho belle arm bracelet. She also had a JO belle ring on. And her finger nales had J-O-B-E-L on each hamd. **Where can I get me some of this shit? I was planning a bonfire soon anyway. **"IM UR BIGGEST fan," HARMONY SAID. **No, no, I am! Pick me! Pick me!  
**

"cull I,' sed.

"yeh, can I sit her?'" HARMONY said.

"Sur."

"NOW I hav 2 tell u somthin.. …. … … … … … **I'm not actually your biggest fan! I hate you, you racist so-and-so. Words can't even..**


	14. Chapter 14

aN Stup flaMIN MI STURY!1111111111111111111111111 Dayrryl is AmAZIN!111111111111111 **As if I didn't hate you enough already..** I LVUU U DARRYL **Shut up. I hate people that announce everywhere they love someone after a day. He'll either leave you or get you pregnant. Merlin forbid it's the latter.**

**And I just went on your profile, and from there I quote "****bi the wae i LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOV mi cousin darrel. I LUV U DARRYL".**

**Cousin.**

**I don't think any more needs to be said on the matter but I can't help myself.**

**Cousin.**

**That's gonna be one hell of a child they produce.**

CHAPTr 15 Da secret of HARMONY **Is the secret about how to create harmony amongst the north and south?**

So HARMONY told us she had a secrit 2 tll us. i got all exited. **Geez, you didn't? Did ya?** "WUT is it,' ei esked.

Then the hugwetrs epres got there. We got of. **So we don't get to find out the secret, rendering this chapter irrelevant. As if this wasn't enough of a waste of my time already.  
**

den we saw hamlet and he was aall lik, "FIRST YEERS GET UR BUTS OVR HER!11111111111" **See, I knew she was a first year! Hence my grudge against her apperating.**

So we got oovr der. **You followed an order? Shit. Are you well? **Hamlet den sed, "now evry1 get on a tracter." **A tractor? Hey everyone, get on these water tractors that can cross the lake to get to the school!**

we AKK got on tractors 2g2 hugwrts. The rid der waz relly cull. EXCEPT… … … … … … … … … … … …. .. .. .. HARMONY FELL OFF DA TRACTER! **Thanks Hermione! You're so clumsy. Now you're in the lake. How are you going to get back on the tractor now? Is somebody going to magic a fishing rod out of nowhere? Or a stick?**

2 B CONTNUDE\

**These chapters get shorter and shorter per update.**

**Probably a good thing, I lose less mental capacity that way.**

**Herp derp.  
**


	15. Chapter 15

Disclaimer - JK owns all.

**It would appear *evil smirk*that our favourite story has been removed from the site. Oh what a shame. Seriously, how am I to finish this now? But alas, I already have the answer! Here is my version of the ending:**

**And it's written in English.**

_The magical water tractors were really cool; I'd never seen anything like it! But then – Hermione fell off and into the lake with a resounding splash!_

"Hermione!" I yelled, holding my hand out to help pull her onto the back of my tractor. "Grab my hand!"

She did, and I managed to pull her up behind me where she remained cold and wet for the rest of our journey to the school, not to mention red in the face. The laughter of the rest of the first years, at her fall, had embarrassedthe girl.

Upon reaching the school, Professor McGonagall took one look at the pair of us and cast some sort of drying spell on Hermione so that she would stop shivering. It worked, and before long we were waiting to enter the Great Hall.

"Hey, Hermione" I whispered, glancing to look at the smiling girl beside me "what were you going to say before the train stopped?"

"Oh" she started "that."

"Yes, that. What was the secret?"

"Well" she looked down, bushy curls hiding her face from my view. "I- I- I think I'm bisexual."

I stared at her. _What? She's what?_ Words can't properly communicate my thoughts right now. _She's gay? _I feel so unclean having been near her. But then that could be my own awful personality coming back to bite me. I shouldn't be so prejudice but I couldn't help it. I shuffled away from her, wanting to get far, far away.

Hermione's face crumpled. Her idol now disliked her.

The first years made their way into the crowded Hall to be sorted. Hermione went to Gryffindor, the smiling faces and welcoming eyes making her forget all about her stupid obsession with Jo Bitch Potter. Harry also came to join her with the lions.

But Jo Bekke?

"_Slytherin_!" the sorting hat yelled, even_ it_ held an air of distaste. And there was wild applause as the somehow-famous-racist-bitch-who-did-not-kill-Voldenut made her way over to her new family.

But how did we know that Mouldy-cashew-nut wasn't dead? Easy. He was on the ceiling. Literally, Voldenut was _on_ the enchanted ceiling, atop a giant Blast-ended Skrewt, riding it around as if he owned the place. Which, if he had his way, he would.

Nobody noticed the impending doom that was right above their heads, in the form of a giddy Dark Lord and a significantly weakening ceiling. A ceiling that cracked, resulting in the Skrewt and its rider to fall into the occupied Hall. Fall onto a table. Fall onto a person.

With a deafening thud, Mouldy-cashew-nut and his chosen stead crashed onto the Slytherin table, and their newest member, J.B Potter.

The annoying girl tried to free herself from the mass of overgrown slug crushing her. She tried screaming, but just got a mouthful of slime. The lights were fading. The air thinning. The noises dimming. The final sound she heard was laughter. Cackling laughter.

It appeared Voldenut had killed her, not the other way around.

The end.

**Tadaaaaa!**


End file.
